Okay, so it's been a while since I've been on a date that's bloggable. And, this one happened about a month ago. I just realized that I never blogged about it. I'm shocked. # 1, because this is, to date, my worst date ever. #2, i love sharing these stories. #3, I just felt like I needed to throw 3 in there so that I could be validated in using numbers.
So, a few years ago I met this kid at church. We met at an activity. Just as a starter, he was wearing and argyle sweater with a white collared shirt underneath and slacks. We (my roommate and I) got put into his group. Small chit chat ensued, and within 5 minutes we had offended him nicely. Well, he recovered and decided that our house was worth getting to know. A few dates later and I had decided that our house was not a super fan of his. He was a nice kid, a little odd, and definitely too anxious for female affection, which I was not willing to loan him. 2 years had passed since I last spoke to him.
Fast forward to this winter. I get a text from a number I do not know. It's him. What?! Well, he wants to meet up. He says he hasn't stopped thinking about me since the last time we spoke. And that he really cares about me and would like to see me. For 6 months I blow him off. Finally he wears down on me enough that I agree to a single meeting. What could happen in a single meeting? Well, sit back and prepare for a tale that you've never thought possible.
I have to go to his city for a couple of wedding receptions so I decide perfect, I have an excuse for not meeting early, we'll get in, get it over with quickly and move on. We meet up, go for some dessert. Well, we're heading out and I'm assuming he's going to take me quickly to my car so I can drive the hour home. I was wrong. He starts driving around a little bit. At first I don't really care that much. If he wants to eek out 15 more minutes, fine. I let him know though that I will not allow him to take me to "the point". Well, he drives to the church where we first met. I'm gagging out of corniness. I mean, really? Then proceeds to tell me that the song that is on was the last song that we last heard together. I'm trying not to cry from the mere fact that he remembers the last song playing. Near this time I tell him I need to get going home. He says okay, but continues driving away from my car. Through all my protests he takes me up the canyon. What!!! I'm outraged. And, mind you, I'm not leading him on. I've made it clear several times that I don't care for him. He even asked why I don't like him. Well, after the canyon he drives as far out and north in the valley as he possibly can. I'm livid, telling him that I'm livid and that I really just would like to go home. After a visit to the lake, the mall, 5 other cities, possibly a friend's driveway (where I told him that I would absolutely not spend the night) and 2.5 hours later he finally drops me back at my car. For 2.5 hours he held me hostage in his car. Now, I never felt in danger or threatened, and even if he tried anything I was so perturbed I was one small move away from turning into the Hulk and ripping his arms from his chest and dismembering him. After all that, as I get out of the car he has the nerve to ask for a kiss. I kindly told him Hell no, and got in my car as quickly as possible. As I was driving home that night I got a text from him telling me that he loved me. I told him to take a hike. After a few weeks of him not getting the message that I never wanted to talk to him again I think he may have gotten the handle on what I was saying....maybe. I also think that maybe in a few months he'll make another attempt. At that point I'll have a police order against him.
So, here are the do's and don't's of this date. Do Listen to your date when she says she would like to go home. She is not joking. You may be having a great time but if she asked to go home, you're not for her. Also, he did open my doors for me. Which, I can't stress the importance of opening doors on a date. Just shows respect. However, don't lock the door when she tries to get out of the car. Joking, he didn't actually do that...probably because he knew I would dismember him. He also showed me plenty of attention. I knew that he was totally into me. But, when the girl says she doesn't even like you as a person, you should probably stop prying. Don't change your name to Shermanah. Don't tell your date you changed your name to Shermanah so you could refer to yourself as Shermanah the Mount. So, I get that you can't really help intestinal problems on a date. It happens. But, when you're gone for 15 minutes to the restroom, you don't need to let her know that you're having issues. She knows. So, it is totally unnecessary to text your date from the restroom to check in. And, if you feel the need to do so, please don't say "sorry, my tummy is fussy." Because, that gives your date an image she does not want floating around in her head....you sitting, red faced on the john as you struggle to contain your diarrhea. Gross. This young man has been very concerned with my welfare as of late. He told me he had considered saving me from "the man" and buying me a condo so I didn't have to work so hard any more. Very kind notion; however, when your date has openly told you that one reason she works so much is so she has an excuse not to date you, it probably isn't in your best interest to force the issue. I could go on with more dos and don'ts but, I think we've got a good idea here.
Now, this date rating would have to be a 0.1 (just cause I can't rate it a 0, cause that would mean it never happened. Actually, I'd probably rate it a 10 just based on it being my most memorable, and hands down worst date I've ever been on. And, that took some pretty amazing skills. And, in case I wasn't clear: I will not be going out with M. Knight Shermanah again
