Sir Snoozy

This past week I went on a date. I'm struggling coming up with a name for him. I try not to be too mean, but I the one thing that I kept thinking throughout the date is "I'm so bored, I just wanna go home and do to bed." Now, I will state the fact that I had to work until 10:00. When he picked me up half an hour later and I was already tired it wasn't gonna bode well for him. So, I've decided that Sir Snoozy is what he will be called.

Sir and I were set up by a friend of mine. She had never met him but heard about a tall guy from a coworker and decided that being tall was enough to warrant a date (a lesson I learned years ago, height is not enough to sustain anything.) We had talked on the phone prior to the date, and my impression was that he was nice. Now, I'm not nice. I eat nice for brunch. But, i decided that I would give it a go.

I asked what the plan was and he told me it was a surprise but to not worry about it being fancy. So he picked me up and told me that his plan was to go hiking but the rain was ruining that. So, we went an grabbed ice cream instead. Fine and dandy, I love me some dairy product! However it was late enough that as soon as we ordered they flipped their sign to closed and had already locked the dining room. Outside we go to eat our ice cream. Now, remember I had mentioned it was raining? Well, it had stopped, but it was chilly. Mid April, outside, 11 pm, ice cream....my body started to shut down as I worked on hypothermia from both inside and outside. Finally he got the clue and we jumped in his car to find a place to play pool, we couldn't find a place that wasn't overflowing with people so he drove me back to my place. We talked for a while before I got out, gave a hug and went inside.

Now, it wasn't a bad date, but it wasn't a good date, Therefore I give it a 3 because I would have preferred to be sitting home alone.There was no spark. I literally yawned a hundred times on the date. When he asked me out for a second date and I told him I didn't feel the need cause we had nothing in common, his response was, "We have lots in common. We both are tall, we both have a monotone voice, we both were born into the same religion but had become inactive, we both are sarcastic (He didn't say a single sarcastic thing all night), and we both like to camp." I told him that features cannot count as things in common, and since camping really was the only thing we have in common I didn't think it was enough to sustain any sort of relationship. Now, my tips for Sir Snoozy....If you are planning a specific activity for a date, let the chick know in advance. I was not wearing shoes I would hike in. Also, if the chick doesn't act interested when you tell her all about the modifications you put on your car when you were in high school, she isn't interested. She genuinely doesn't care if you can still pick out the model and make of a car based off of sound or headlight shape. And, when a girl says no thank you to a second date because of a lack of a spark, don't ask her why she finds you revolting....that gives her a reason to find you revolting (if a girl kept at it after you said no you would put her in the psycho column immediately. It's not acceptable for either gender. Take it like a man and walk away with your pride still intact.) Now, I really appreciated that Snoozy had a plan. Even though it was washed away by the rain (see what I did there?) I give automatic props to a dude with a plan. I also give props to a guy that always picks up his date. If you meet her there don't expect anything....and of course to opening the doors. S.S. was very nice, just not for me. If you would like his number let me know...He's tall!

Dreamy McDreamster

Again, I fall behind.

A couple months ago I went on a date with an individual, a man individual. He looked a bit like Patrick Dempsey, so we're gonna go ahead and call him Dreamy McDreamster, after Dr. McDreamy....Funny thing is said individual is an actual actor. I could put one of his screen names here, but that would eliminate the anonymity that I aim for with this blog.

Well, McDreamster and I met up at a local Mexican joint. Now, we all know that I prefer older men. Well, he was stretching any limits I thought that I would accept. He was 44. As I drove up I saw a gentleman that I thought "He's definitely older than me, but he's got great style and he's quite attractive. This will be interesting." We started chatting right away, conversation flowed so nicely. We talked about food, travel, books, outdoors, bikes, family, friends, everything I am passionate about, and so was he. Food was good, conversation was good, everything was good, until I got the fist bump at the end of the night? What?! I started laughing. Old dudes trying to be cool is my favorite thing. He didn't say I was the bomb, but I feel like that would have been next had I not cracked a joke about it first. I also would have thought I was way off base on how the evening went, but he said he would like to go out again. So, we set up a second date and called it a night.

Now for everyone's favorite part...the rating. I give this date a 9. Doors opened, eyes looking at the appropriate altitude, a good sense of conversation direction, and not nervous. The downfalls...He forgot his wallet and had to run out to his car when we got seated at the restaurant (did he really forget it, or did he run out to make a phone call to his wife?) and, the fist bump. Seriously? I only fist bump when I want to keep the person at bay.

     *McDreamster and I ended up going on several more dates. We always had a good time, but as life does we decided we wanted different things in life.

Payson Pony

So, I've kinda forgotten about this blog a little bit. It started out as a little dry spot in the dating area. Then it turned into gross negligence. And, now here we are...I almost had to have them resend me my password.Well after we had our little reunion and moment of bliss I've decided that I'm ready to update a date.

His name is Payson Pony. His name is Payson Pony. His name is Payson Pony. (A little bit of Fight Club reference here. He met his demise in my world, Project Wife? Project Win Her Over? Project You Insert something here.) I am Jack's Hardened Heart. I am Jack's Wasted time and efforts. Well, I am Payson Pony's utter waste of emotion and attempt. (I think I'm so clever. And really, I am.)

Well, I knew I had Payson Pony from the beginning. For our first date he asked what I wanted to do (faux pas numero one...If you ask me out don't make me plan anything. If I wanted to plan a date I would have asked you), well I decided I felt like sushi. I mentioned that and he said he had wouldn't eat sushi. I told him there was no point in us even going out then because I already knew it wouldn't work out. Not only is sushi eating a must have, if he's not willing to go out and try new things, especially foods (I'm a foodie), then I don't even want to start the game. So he immediately rescinded his stance and we decided sushi it was. He fell in love over sushi, how great is that? Pretty great. If only it wasn't one sided it would have been so romantic. We could have made love on a bed of tobiko.

After sushi we decided to redbox a flick and watched 'Bridesmaids'. Now, I love that movie, but to avoid having any obligatory cuddle or arm scratching I "fell asleep." It's my signature move. Too many times...It's my own special brew of "I have a headache." Except, I'll never have a headache. I just don't know how to portray disinterest. We ended the night with me driving home with texts from him saying If I wanted to I could come back and we could spend the night cuddling with some obligatory arm and back scratching. Yeah, cause I wanted that the first go round?

So, here we come to the improvements and advice portion of tonight's episode. Now, I try to keep a somewhat nice approach to this section. However, sometimes you just have to mention things. Number one...If your date catches you scratching at your groin game over. The thoughts running through my head are...std? weird rash? playing with it? loss of feeling? All of which are things that I don't want if I have an option. Number two, when your date tells you that she doesn't dig sappy, overly affectionate first dates asking her if she would like to go on a trip to Hawaii with you probably isn't going to produce the desired effects. Thirdly, when you ask when you can see your date again and she responds with , "Uh, next Thursday?" Let me translate that for you, "I don't want to see you till Thursday. Please don't ask me to hang out every day until Thursday." That's really what I meant. Now, with all this I'll cut to the point. Payson Pony, face the facts and Pony up to what your date is saying. Not. That. Interested. Now, I'd say take a hint, but several times I flat out stated exactly what I meant. Payson Pony, good luck finding a girl that will be as head over heels for your as you are for her. Keep up your sap, some other girl will appreciate that, just not this girl.