Sir Snoozy

This past week I went on a date. I'm struggling coming up with a name for him. I try not to be too mean, but I the one thing that I kept thinking throughout the date is "I'm so bored, I just wanna go home and do to bed." Now, I will state the fact that I had to work until 10:00. When he picked me up half an hour later and I was already tired it wasn't gonna bode well for him. So, I've decided that Sir Snoozy is what he will be called.

Sir and I were set up by a friend of mine. She had never met him but heard about a tall guy from a coworker and decided that being tall was enough to warrant a date (a lesson I learned years ago, height is not enough to sustain anything.) We had talked on the phone prior to the date, and my impression was that he was nice. Now, I'm not nice. I eat nice for brunch. But, i decided that I would give it a go.

I asked what the plan was and he told me it was a surprise but to not worry about it being fancy. So he picked me up and told me that his plan was to go hiking but the rain was ruining that. So, we went an grabbed ice cream instead. Fine and dandy, I love me some dairy product! However it was late enough that as soon as we ordered they flipped their sign to closed and had already locked the dining room. Outside we go to eat our ice cream. Now, remember I had mentioned it was raining? Well, it had stopped, but it was chilly. Mid April, outside, 11 pm, ice cream....my body started to shut down as I worked on hypothermia from both inside and outside. Finally he got the clue and we jumped in his car to find a place to play pool, we couldn't find a place that wasn't overflowing with people so he drove me back to my place. We talked for a while before I got out, gave a hug and went inside.

Now, it wasn't a bad date, but it wasn't a good date, Therefore I give it a 3 because I would have preferred to be sitting home alone.There was no spark. I literally yawned a hundred times on the date. When he asked me out for a second date and I told him I didn't feel the need cause we had nothing in common, his response was, "We have lots in common. We both are tall, we both have a monotone voice, we both were born into the same religion but had become inactive, we both are sarcastic (He didn't say a single sarcastic thing all night), and we both like to camp." I told him that features cannot count as things in common, and since camping really was the only thing we have in common I didn't think it was enough to sustain any sort of relationship. Now, my tips for Sir Snoozy....If you are planning a specific activity for a date, let the chick know in advance. I was not wearing shoes I would hike in. Also, if the chick doesn't act interested when you tell her all about the modifications you put on your car when you were in high school, she isn't interested. She genuinely doesn't care if you can still pick out the model and make of a car based off of sound or headlight shape. And, when a girl says no thank you to a second date because of a lack of a spark, don't ask her why she finds you revolting....that gives her a reason to find you revolting (if a girl kept at it after you said no you would put her in the psycho column immediately. It's not acceptable for either gender. Take it like a man and walk away with your pride still intact.) Now, I really appreciated that Snoozy had a plan. Even though it was washed away by the rain (see what I did there?) I give automatic props to a dude with a plan. I also give props to a guy that always picks up his date. If you meet her there don't expect anything....and of course to opening the doors. S.S. was very nice, just not for me. If you would like his number let me know...He's tall!

Dreamy McDreamster

Again, I fall behind.

A couple months ago I went on a date with an individual, a man individual. He looked a bit like Patrick Dempsey, so we're gonna go ahead and call him Dreamy McDreamster, after Dr. McDreamy....Funny thing is said individual is an actual actor. I could put one of his screen names here, but that would eliminate the anonymity that I aim for with this blog.

Well, McDreamster and I met up at a local Mexican joint. Now, we all know that I prefer older men. Well, he was stretching any limits I thought that I would accept. He was 44. As I drove up I saw a gentleman that I thought "He's definitely older than me, but he's got great style and he's quite attractive. This will be interesting." We started chatting right away, conversation flowed so nicely. We talked about food, travel, books, outdoors, bikes, family, friends, everything I am passionate about, and so was he. Food was good, conversation was good, everything was good, until I got the fist bump at the end of the night? What?! I started laughing. Old dudes trying to be cool is my favorite thing. He didn't say I was the bomb, but I feel like that would have been next had I not cracked a joke about it first. I also would have thought I was way off base on how the evening went, but he said he would like to go out again. So, we set up a second date and called it a night.

Now for everyone's favorite part...the rating. I give this date a 9. Doors opened, eyes looking at the appropriate altitude, a good sense of conversation direction, and not nervous. The downfalls...He forgot his wallet and had to run out to his car when we got seated at the restaurant (did he really forget it, or did he run out to make a phone call to his wife?) and, the fist bump. Seriously? I only fist bump when I want to keep the person at bay.

     *McDreamster and I ended up going on several more dates. We always had a good time, but as life does we decided we wanted different things in life.

Payson Pony

So, I've kinda forgotten about this blog a little bit. It started out as a little dry spot in the dating area. Then it turned into gross negligence. And, now here we are...I almost had to have them resend me my password.Well after we had our little reunion and moment of bliss I've decided that I'm ready to update a date.

His name is Payson Pony. His name is Payson Pony. His name is Payson Pony. (A little bit of Fight Club reference here. He met his demise in my world, Project Wife? Project Win Her Over? Project You Insert something here.) I am Jack's Hardened Heart. I am Jack's Wasted time and efforts. Well, I am Payson Pony's utter waste of emotion and attempt. (I think I'm so clever. And really, I am.)

Well, I knew I had Payson Pony from the beginning. For our first date he asked what I wanted to do (faux pas numero one...If you ask me out don't make me plan anything. If I wanted to plan a date I would have asked you), well I decided I felt like sushi. I mentioned that and he said he had wouldn't eat sushi. I told him there was no point in us even going out then because I already knew it wouldn't work out. Not only is sushi eating a must have, if he's not willing to go out and try new things, especially foods (I'm a foodie), then I don't even want to start the game. So he immediately rescinded his stance and we decided sushi it was. He fell in love over sushi, how great is that? Pretty great. If only it wasn't one sided it would have been so romantic. We could have made love on a bed of tobiko.

After sushi we decided to redbox a flick and watched 'Bridesmaids'. Now, I love that movie, but to avoid having any obligatory cuddle or arm scratching I "fell asleep." It's my signature move. Too many times...It's my own special brew of "I have a headache." Except, I'll never have a headache. I just don't know how to portray disinterest. We ended the night with me driving home with texts from him saying If I wanted to I could come back and we could spend the night cuddling with some obligatory arm and back scratching. Yeah, cause I wanted that the first go round?

So, here we come to the improvements and advice portion of tonight's episode. Now, I try to keep a somewhat nice approach to this section. However, sometimes you just have to mention things. Number one...If your date catches you scratching at your groin game over. The thoughts running through my head are...std? weird rash? playing with it? loss of feeling? All of which are things that I don't want if I have an option. Number two, when your date tells you that she doesn't dig sappy, overly affectionate first dates asking her if she would like to go on a trip to Hawaii with you probably isn't going to produce the desired effects. Thirdly, when you ask when you can see your date again and she responds with , "Uh, next Thursday?" Let me translate that for you, "I don't want to see you till Thursday. Please don't ask me to hang out every day until Thursday." That's really what I meant. Now, with all this I'll cut to the point. Payson Pony, face the facts and Pony up to what your date is saying. Not. That. Interested. Now, I'd say take a hint, but several times I flat out stated exactly what I meant. Payson Pony, good luck finding a girl that will be as head over heels for your as you are for her. Keep up your sap, some other girl will appreciate that, just not this girl.

Hostile Take Over

Okay, so it's been a while since I've been on a date that's bloggable. And, this one happened about a month ago. I just realized that I never blogged about it. I'm shocked. # 1, because this is, to date, my worst date ever. #2, i love sharing these stories. #3, I just felt like I needed to throw 3 in there so that I could be validated in using numbers.

So, a few years ago I met this kid at church. We met at an activity. Just as a starter, he was wearing and argyle sweater with a white collared shirt underneath and slacks. We (my roommate and I) got put into his group. Small chit chat ensued, and within 5 minutes we had offended him nicely. Well, he recovered and decided that our house was worth getting to know.  A few dates later and I had decided that our house was not a super fan of his. He was a nice kid, a little odd, and definitely too anxious for female affection, which I was not willing to loan him. 2 years had passed since I last spoke to him.

Fast forward to this winter. I get a text from a number I do not know. It's him. What?! Well, he wants to meet up. He says he hasn't stopped thinking about me since the last time we spoke. And that he really cares about me and would like to see me. For 6 months I blow him off. Finally he wears down on me enough that I agree to a single meeting. What could happen in a single meeting? Well, sit back and prepare for a tale that you've never thought possible.

I have to go to his city for a couple of wedding receptions so I decide perfect, I have an excuse for not meeting early, we'll get in, get it over with quickly and move on. We meet up, go for some dessert. Well, we're heading out and I'm assuming he's going to take me quickly to my car so I can drive the hour home. I was wrong. He starts driving around a little bit. At first I don't really care that much. If he wants to eek out 15 more minutes, fine. I let him know though that I will not allow him to take me to "the point". Well, he drives to the church where we first met. I'm gagging out of corniness. I mean, really? Then proceeds to tell me that the song that is on was the last song that we last heard together. I'm trying not to cry from the mere fact that he remembers the last song playing. Near this time I tell him I need to get going home. He says okay, but continues driving away from my car. Through all my protests he takes me up the canyon. What!!! I'm outraged. And, mind you, I'm not leading him on. I've made it clear several times that I don't care for him. He even asked why I don't like him. Well, after the canyon he drives as far out and north in the valley as he possibly can. I'm livid, telling him that I'm livid and that I really just would like to go home. After a visit to the lake, the mall, 5 other cities, possibly a friend's driveway (where I told him that I would absolutely not spend the night) and 2.5 hours later he finally drops me back at my car. For 2.5 hours he held me hostage in his car. Now, I never felt in danger or threatened, and even if he tried anything I was so perturbed I was one small move away from turning into the Hulk and ripping his arms from his chest and dismembering him. After all that, as I get out of the car he has the nerve to ask for a kiss. I kindly told him Hell no, and got in my car as quickly as possible. As I was driving home that night I got a text from him telling me that he loved me. I told him to take a hike. After a few weeks of him not getting the message that I never wanted to talk to him again I think he may have gotten the handle on what I was saying....maybe. I also think that maybe in a few months he'll make another attempt. At that point I'll have a police order against him.

So, here are the do's and don't's of this date. Do Listen to your date when she says she would like to go home. She is not joking. You may be having a great time but if she asked to go home, you're not for her. Also, he did open my doors for me. Which, I can't stress the importance of opening doors on a date. Just shows respect. However, don't lock the door when she tries to get out of the car. Joking, he didn't actually do that...probably because he knew I would dismember him. He also showed me plenty of attention. I knew that he was totally into me. But, when the girl says she doesn't even like you as a person, you should probably stop prying. Don't  change your name to Shermanah. Don't tell your date you changed your name to Shermanah so you could refer to yourself as Shermanah the Mount. So, I get that you can't really help intestinal problems on a date. It happens. But, when you're gone for 15 minutes to the restroom, you don't need to let her know that you're having issues. She knows. So, it is totally unnecessary to text your date from the restroom to check in. And, if you feel the need to do so, please don't say "sorry, my tummy is fussy." Because, that gives your date an image she does not want floating around in her head....you sitting, red faced on the john as you struggle to contain your diarrhea. Gross. This young man has been very concerned with my welfare as of late. He told me he had considered saving me from "the man" and buying me a condo so I didn't have to work so hard any more. Very kind notion; however, when your date has openly told you that one reason she works so much is so she has an excuse not to date you, it probably isn't in your best interest to force the issue. I could go on with more dos and don'ts but, I think we've got a good idea here.

Now, this date rating would have to be a 0.1 (just cause I can't rate it a 0, cause that would mean it never happened. Actually, I'd probably rate it a 10 just based on it being my most memorable, and hands down worst date I've ever been on. And, that took some pretty amazing skills. And, in case I wasn't clear: I will not be going out with M. Knight Shermanah again

Love Child

I had a lunch date for this past Friday afternoon. The plan.... I was being picked up at 2:30 then we'd grab lunch. We stuck to the plan. I laughed when he asked me for lunch. (previous posts state how I feel about lunch dates.) Well, got in the car and debated for a moment where lunch should be had. I'm not usually a fan of no plans previously made. Like, if you're gonna take the initiative to ask me out have a plan, please. But, he did have ideas and all I had to do was make the final decision. We ended up in this whole in the wall Chinese joint. I was scared. We pulled up and I noticed that there was a drive thru. Only one thing scares me more than Chinese drive-thru joints and that's drive-thru sushi joints. Anyway, back on track. We get inside and get seated. It's grimy. Really grimy. But, he tells me that this is his favorite Chinese place so I put my full trust in him and decide to let him order for us. Salt. Baked. Shrimp. Deliciousness. (They came out served with jalepenos and with their heads still on and deep fried. So, you just have to go for it and eat the whole thing. I have never tasted something quite as delightful.) We sit and talk for a couple hours, conversation flows so nicely. We don't have much in common except for an adventurous spirit in both of us and a love to laugh...oh, and great teeth. He has a great smile. We decided we'd occupied the booth long enough and decided a pastry was in order. As we nestled down with our pastries in one of the coffee shops near by we talked and discussed and played celebrity look alike. I found Jacob and Edward (the parody) walking in together, and a horrid Christopher Reeves not look alike that I'll never live down. Well, we realized it was now almost 8 o'clock and it still felt early. There wasn't a dull moment at all. We then decided to ditch the coffee house scene and make our way to the other side of town so we could sit and talk more. A few more celeb look alikes (or flops, on both parts) and  we realized that we were the last two in the place. It was past midnight and we had closed down the place. At that time we headed back to my neighborhood and talked for a bit before the night ended....at 1:10am. Lunch ended at 1:10am. Our lunch date that was supposed to be taken right into the friend zone had turned into a legit date. He was funny, smart, charismatic, smart, good looking, smart, interesting, and smart. Now, I purposely used the same adjective four times because being around him made me feel oh so dumb. He used words that I haven't heard in years. Words that I couldn't spell unless I had some major help. He knew so much about everything, but not in the annoying way. For our next date I will make sure I have my thesaurus with me so I can step up my intelligence instead of dumbing it down like I'm used to. Well, you're probably wondering why I have decided to name this one 'Love Child' It has nothing to do with anything other than our celeb look alike game. All night I just wanted to tell him the best celeb look alike was him. He looked like a younger Hugh Laurie, and also a John Krasinski. So, if the two of them had a love child it would look just like my date. I rate this date an 11 out of 10. There really was no room for improvement. Everything was great. I will be going out with this Love Child again.

Hires Man

This past week I went on a date with Hires Man. I met him on a website. He immediately delved into tall chick anecdotes. His line to get in was just mentioning funny quirks about tall chicks and short guys. Good move Hires. Every tall chick can laugh about a short dude. Well, we exchanged a couple stories and then set up a time to meet in person. I was hoping he was tall. I didn't even ask, or look. We arranged the place to meet and all that stuff. Normally phone numbers are exchanged, but we didn't. Everything was arranged online. If one of us ran late, or got lost, or anything there was no last minute contact. It was very 'You've got mail'esque. Minus the fact that Meg Ryan walks around with the worst posture ever (that makes her boobs super low) and is a good foot shorter than I am. And that Hires Man is way better looking than Tom Hanks, although Mr. Hanks could buy Hires Man a million times over.
After a little bit of confusion we finally were able to meet. I was pleasantly surprised. Hires Man was better looking than his photos on his profile showed. Which, is a rarity in the online dating scene. Normally people choose the best photo of themselves that has ever been taken and put it up hoping someone will be able to see the resemblance. Anyway, I digress. Hires Man was great conversation. He loves to travel just about as much as I do...I mean, he has a real job so he can't quite as much as I can. He's been a ton of places, he's interesting, has the same taste in music and fashion (meaning an apathy for it). We got along well. The one thing I would say could be improved....I caught you looking at the chest a couple times. I know you're a dude and you gotta scope things out.... but you could have been way more stealth about it. On the final rating I'd say you get a 7.5 out of 10 for this date. I'd definitely go out with Hires Man again

The Disappearance of Chase, part Deux

So, this weekend I had the evening off, Chase was in town again so we decided to go out. Now, Chase and I have only ever been either, the two of us, or with a couple of his friends. So, this weekend since I was in the area I decided to visit my nephews. I figured that if I was going to be in the area I wanted to make sure I saw them. I told Chase that he could come with  me, or I could meet up with him later. He chose to come with me. Normally I don't allow the dudes I date to meet anyone in my family for a very, very long time. Boy am I glad I broke that streak this weekend. Chase was so uncomfortable. He wasn't rude, but he also wasn't pleasant. He clearly hated my nephews (in his defense Wilberforce, the two year old, was having a total melt down the entire time we were there), and would have rather been anywhere else in the world. So, we left and met up with some of my friends for dinner. (I also don't normally have them meet friends at least until we are exclusive.) Again, I'm glad I broke that pattern also. I realized at dinner that Chase is unwilling to go outside of himself to make others feel comfortable.  After dinner he and I went to grab some ice cream and a movie (we saw Limitless. Great film. The only film I've ever seen with Chase that I didn't feel like I'd been cheated out of two hours of my life.) After the movie we went back to the car we left near my sister's. We were chit chatting about all different sorts of things. Apparently in our innocent chatter we came upon a subject that he's not okay with. I made a very simple, and very innocent statement.  He flipped. Threw open the car door, patted me on the back and stormed off. Ran to his truck climbed in and flew off. I waited a few seconds to see if he was for real and if that was really what was happening. He was real. Now, he called about 5 minutes later to apologize for storming off (yes, he agreed he stormed off). He explained that I hit a nerve unknowingly, and totally unintentionally...although it was something so simple and bizarre that I'm sure no one could have done it intentionally. He requested that I call him back so we could talk through it. You know Chase, I don't think any talking through would help. As soon as I realized you were for real I shut down and was totally turned off. I won't be making that call, and I don't think I'll be taking your call either. Good Luck with everything Chase.