Hostile Take Over

Okay, so it's been a while since I've been on a date that's bloggable. And, this one happened about a month ago. I just realized that I never blogged about it. I'm shocked. # 1, because this is, to date, my worst date ever. #2, i love sharing these stories. #3, I just felt like I needed to throw 3 in there so that I could be validated in using numbers.

So, a few years ago I met this kid at church. We met at an activity. Just as a starter, he was wearing and argyle sweater with a white collared shirt underneath and slacks. We (my roommate and I) got put into his group. Small chit chat ensued, and within 5 minutes we had offended him nicely. Well, he recovered and decided that our house was worth getting to know.  A few dates later and I had decided that our house was not a super fan of his. He was a nice kid, a little odd, and definitely too anxious for female affection, which I was not willing to loan him. 2 years had passed since I last spoke to him.

Fast forward to this winter. I get a text from a number I do not know. It's him. What?! Well, he wants to meet up. He says he hasn't stopped thinking about me since the last time we spoke. And that he really cares about me and would like to see me. For 6 months I blow him off. Finally he wears down on me enough that I agree to a single meeting. What could happen in a single meeting? Well, sit back and prepare for a tale that you've never thought possible.

I have to go to his city for a couple of wedding receptions so I decide perfect, I have an excuse for not meeting early, we'll get in, get it over with quickly and move on. We meet up, go for some dessert. Well, we're heading out and I'm assuming he's going to take me quickly to my car so I can drive the hour home. I was wrong. He starts driving around a little bit. At first I don't really care that much. If he wants to eek out 15 more minutes, fine. I let him know though that I will not allow him to take me to "the point". Well, he drives to the church where we first met. I'm gagging out of corniness. I mean, really? Then proceeds to tell me that the song that is on was the last song that we last heard together. I'm trying not to cry from the mere fact that he remembers the last song playing. Near this time I tell him I need to get going home. He says okay, but continues driving away from my car. Through all my protests he takes me up the canyon. What!!! I'm outraged. And, mind you, I'm not leading him on. I've made it clear several times that I don't care for him. He even asked why I don't like him. Well, after the canyon he drives as far out and north in the valley as he possibly can. I'm livid, telling him that I'm livid and that I really just would like to go home. After a visit to the lake, the mall, 5 other cities, possibly a friend's driveway (where I told him that I would absolutely not spend the night) and 2.5 hours later he finally drops me back at my car. For 2.5 hours he held me hostage in his car. Now, I never felt in danger or threatened, and even if he tried anything I was so perturbed I was one small move away from turning into the Hulk and ripping his arms from his chest and dismembering him. After all that, as I get out of the car he has the nerve to ask for a kiss. I kindly told him Hell no, and got in my car as quickly as possible. As I was driving home that night I got a text from him telling me that he loved me. I told him to take a hike. After a few weeks of him not getting the message that I never wanted to talk to him again I think he may have gotten the handle on what I was saying....maybe. I also think that maybe in a few months he'll make another attempt. At that point I'll have a police order against him.

So, here are the do's and don't's of this date. Do Listen to your date when she says she would like to go home. She is not joking. You may be having a great time but if she asked to go home, you're not for her. Also, he did open my doors for me. Which, I can't stress the importance of opening doors on a date. Just shows respect. However, don't lock the door when she tries to get out of the car. Joking, he didn't actually do that...probably because he knew I would dismember him. He also showed me plenty of attention. I knew that he was totally into me. But, when the girl says she doesn't even like you as a person, you should probably stop prying. Don't  change your name to Shermanah. Don't tell your date you changed your name to Shermanah so you could refer to yourself as Shermanah the Mount. So, I get that you can't really help intestinal problems on a date. It happens. But, when you're gone for 15 minutes to the restroom, you don't need to let her know that you're having issues. She knows. So, it is totally unnecessary to text your date from the restroom to check in. And, if you feel the need to do so, please don't say "sorry, my tummy is fussy." Because, that gives your date an image she does not want floating around in her head....you sitting, red faced on the john as you struggle to contain your diarrhea. Gross. This young man has been very concerned with my welfare as of late. He told me he had considered saving me from "the man" and buying me a condo so I didn't have to work so hard any more. Very kind notion; however, when your date has openly told you that one reason she works so much is so she has an excuse not to date you, it probably isn't in your best interest to force the issue. I could go on with more dos and don'ts but, I think we've got a good idea here.

Now, this date rating would have to be a 0.1 (just cause I can't rate it a 0, cause that would mean it never happened. Actually, I'd probably rate it a 10 just based on it being my most memorable, and hands down worst date I've ever been on. And, that took some pretty amazing skills. And, in case I wasn't clear: I will not be going out with M. Knight Shermanah again

Love Child

I had a lunch date for this past Friday afternoon. The plan.... I was being picked up at 2:30 then we'd grab lunch. We stuck to the plan. I laughed when he asked me for lunch. (previous posts state how I feel about lunch dates.) Well, got in the car and debated for a moment where lunch should be had. I'm not usually a fan of no plans previously made. Like, if you're gonna take the initiative to ask me out have a plan, please. But, he did have ideas and all I had to do was make the final decision. We ended up in this whole in the wall Chinese joint. I was scared. We pulled up and I noticed that there was a drive thru. Only one thing scares me more than Chinese drive-thru joints and that's drive-thru sushi joints. Anyway, back on track. We get inside and get seated. It's grimy. Really grimy. But, he tells me that this is his favorite Chinese place so I put my full trust in him and decide to let him order for us. Salt. Baked. Shrimp. Deliciousness. (They came out served with jalepenos and with their heads still on and deep fried. So, you just have to go for it and eat the whole thing. I have never tasted something quite as delightful.) We sit and talk for a couple hours, conversation flows so nicely. We don't have much in common except for an adventurous spirit in both of us and a love to laugh...oh, and great teeth. He has a great smile. We decided we'd occupied the booth long enough and decided a pastry was in order. As we nestled down with our pastries in one of the coffee shops near by we talked and discussed and played celebrity look alike. I found Jacob and Edward (the parody) walking in together, and a horrid Christopher Reeves not look alike that I'll never live down. Well, we realized it was now almost 8 o'clock and it still felt early. There wasn't a dull moment at all. We then decided to ditch the coffee house scene and make our way to the other side of town so we could sit and talk more. A few more celeb look alikes (or flops, on both parts) and  we realized that we were the last two in the place. It was past midnight and we had closed down the place. At that time we headed back to my neighborhood and talked for a bit before the night ended....at 1:10am. Lunch ended at 1:10am. Our lunch date that was supposed to be taken right into the friend zone had turned into a legit date. He was funny, smart, charismatic, smart, good looking, smart, interesting, and smart. Now, I purposely used the same adjective four times because being around him made me feel oh so dumb. He used words that I haven't heard in years. Words that I couldn't spell unless I had some major help. He knew so much about everything, but not in the annoying way. For our next date I will make sure I have my thesaurus with me so I can step up my intelligence instead of dumbing it down like I'm used to. Well, you're probably wondering why I have decided to name this one 'Love Child' It has nothing to do with anything other than our celeb look alike game. All night I just wanted to tell him the best celeb look alike was him. He looked like a younger Hugh Laurie, and also a John Krasinski. So, if the two of them had a love child it would look just like my date. I rate this date an 11 out of 10. There really was no room for improvement. Everything was great. I will be going out with this Love Child again.

Hires Man

This past week I went on a date with Hires Man. I met him on a website. He immediately delved into tall chick anecdotes. His line to get in was just mentioning funny quirks about tall chicks and short guys. Good move Hires. Every tall chick can laugh about a short dude. Well, we exchanged a couple stories and then set up a time to meet in person. I was hoping he was tall. I didn't even ask, or look. We arranged the place to meet and all that stuff. Normally phone numbers are exchanged, but we didn't. Everything was arranged online. If one of us ran late, or got lost, or anything there was no last minute contact. It was very 'You've got mail'esque. Minus the fact that Meg Ryan walks around with the worst posture ever (that makes her boobs super low) and is a good foot shorter than I am. And that Hires Man is way better looking than Tom Hanks, although Mr. Hanks could buy Hires Man a million times over.
After a little bit of confusion we finally were able to meet. I was pleasantly surprised. Hires Man was better looking than his photos on his profile showed. Which, is a rarity in the online dating scene. Normally people choose the best photo of themselves that has ever been taken and put it up hoping someone will be able to see the resemblance. Anyway, I digress. Hires Man was great conversation. He loves to travel just about as much as I do...I mean, he has a real job so he can't quite as much as I can. He's been a ton of places, he's interesting, has the same taste in music and fashion (meaning an apathy for it). We got along well. The one thing I would say could be improved....I caught you looking at the chest a couple times. I know you're a dude and you gotta scope things out.... but you could have been way more stealth about it. On the final rating I'd say you get a 7.5 out of 10 for this date. I'd definitely go out with Hires Man again

The Disappearance of Chase, part Deux

So, this weekend I had the evening off, Chase was in town again so we decided to go out. Now, Chase and I have only ever been either, the two of us, or with a couple of his friends. So, this weekend since I was in the area I decided to visit my nephews. I figured that if I was going to be in the area I wanted to make sure I saw them. I told Chase that he could come with  me, or I could meet up with him later. He chose to come with me. Normally I don't allow the dudes I date to meet anyone in my family for a very, very long time. Boy am I glad I broke that streak this weekend. Chase was so uncomfortable. He wasn't rude, but he also wasn't pleasant. He clearly hated my nephews (in his defense Wilberforce, the two year old, was having a total melt down the entire time we were there), and would have rather been anywhere else in the world. So, we left and met up with some of my friends for dinner. (I also don't normally have them meet friends at least until we are exclusive.) Again, I'm glad I broke that pattern also. I realized at dinner that Chase is unwilling to go outside of himself to make others feel comfortable.  After dinner he and I went to grab some ice cream and a movie (we saw Limitless. Great film. The only film I've ever seen with Chase that I didn't feel like I'd been cheated out of two hours of my life.) After the movie we went back to the car we left near my sister's. We were chit chatting about all different sorts of things. Apparently in our innocent chatter we came upon a subject that he's not okay with. I made a very simple, and very innocent statement.  He flipped. Threw open the car door, patted me on the back and stormed off. Ran to his truck climbed in and flew off. I waited a few seconds to see if he was for real and if that was really what was happening. He was real. Now, he called about 5 minutes later to apologize for storming off (yes, he agreed he stormed off). He explained that I hit a nerve unknowingly, and totally unintentionally...although it was something so simple and bizarre that I'm sure no one could have done it intentionally. He requested that I call him back so we could talk through it. You know Chase, I don't think any talking through would help. As soon as I realized you were for real I shut down and was totally turned off. I won't be making that call, and I don't think I'll be taking your call either. Good Luck with everything Chase.

Green Eyes

So, this past week I went on a date with a co worker. You may ask yourself, "self, why is he called Green Eyes when his eyes aren't green?"  I'll let you ponder the answer to that question for a bit while I tell you about the date. Green Eyes is another co worker who has expressed interest in me. I didn't think anything of his friendly chatter for a few weeks until one day he made a special trip to gate C13, where I was working and where he was not working. He pulled up on a tug, walked over (past 5 dudes at the bottom of the belt) and came to the door of the bin. I was working hard and he didn't say anything so I just kept working. Apparently he was waiting for the opportune moment to say something-the crew on the gate wasn't about to let opportune moment come. They put him to work on C13 (where he was not supposed to be working). They had him do all the grunt work (well, even more so than throwing bags around).  When he was done he came back to the door of the bin, looked in and handed me this piece of paper and ran before they could get him to do more work. I was chuckling the entire time because this was all a little too familiar since Long Jean had done the same thing just a few weeks before. Side note: I've worked at Delta for just about 3 years. I've never had anyone show any real interest and then in a period of a few weeks I have two very ballsy (not that I really know the extent of ballsy) dudes put their cards on the table.
So,  on the way home I text him about the dangers of pursuing a girl at work and the extra work and hoops that he had to get through. He responded with something sweet that reads just like a line. Actually, he said a lot of stuff that reads just like a line. I called him on it multiple times. Well, finally he wore me down enough that I finally said yes to going out.
Back to the date....We met up for lunch one day. Now, Green Eyes is  not my typical datee. He has gauged ears, very visible and large tattoos (and looking to cover even more of his body in them), smoker, painted nails, sports chopper gear, rings, etc. Just not my typical looks. But, he is well read...which is a huge positive. I love when I don't have to dumb down my banter. Quick witted, which is one of the best traits I can find in someone. He had me laughing the entire meal. We had a really great time. And, we went somewhere that neither of us had ever been....which is another huge positive. Means, he's willing to strike out and try things. Anyway, it was a lovely date. Also, when the check came out he immediately slid it off the table and hid it. There was no question that he was taking care of everything. Another good thing. I hate when they let it sit on the table and there is awkwardness about who is picking up the check (not that I have a problem doing that...but never on a first date).  The only down side to the date itself is that when we stood up to go I noticed I was taller than him. Oi, another one falls to the 'average symptom'. Overall I'll rate this date as two thumbs enthusiastically up.

Long Jean

I can't really consider Long Jean a date, but I want to write about him anyway. Long Jean has got cahones. He and I had talked a few times at work, made a couple of bets, and chilled in the break room once or twice. Well, one day I'm hard at work throwing my little heart out, sweaty, gross, and smelling like Jet Fuel and airplane. He drives up, walks past my crew, (one of which had already scolded him for hanging around a little too long) and walked right up to the door of the bin where I'm located. He hands me a piece of paper. Says, "I don't want to get you in trouble, so text me." and walks away. Well, he and I have become text buddies. I find him very interesting. We get along well. And, have quite a bit in common.
I just moved into a new place that I'm kinda excited. I've got a pool, hot tub, sauna, gym, pool table, and tennis courts. Well, Long Jean knew about the move and was more than anxious to come and help me test out all the facilities. So, he came over and we chilled. We played pool, which I got worked. Out of 12 games I won 3. Now, I will add that he won quite gracefully. He claims that since I scratched on the 8 ball multiple times he didn't really win, I just lost. Doesn't make sense, but sounds good to me. Anyway, we had a swell time. Great conversation, fun just chilling, and some chemistry. Now, I can't rate this because it wasn't a date, but I did want to tell about Long Jean.

The Updated Deal

So, I was at Barnes and Noble this week. I picked up a book that had a mock periodic table of elements on the cover. I opened it up and read a few pages....it was brilliantly funny. The Science of Single (The author is the only person besides Helen Fielding that has used the word 'singleton' frequently. I love the word 'singleton'). So the basis of the book is that she decides to do some research and experiment with dating (not that kind of experimenting). She decides she wants to get to the root of meeting great guys. 9 months later she is still a singleton but is happier with where she is at in her life and has a totally new found perspective on the whole dating thing. Well, her project is broken into 5 different time frames and ways of finding the perfect guy. #1. Online dating. She signs up for several different sites (the onion sounded like the most successful). She goes through a slew of dates. Has a good time on some of them, and an interesting time on all of them. But, as she rates it she found no success. #2. She decides to go to her friends, family, coworkers, neighbors and anyone she can to set her up. She finds a little more success on this because if nothing else they at least have a common interest. But, still she didn't find the man of her dreams. #3. Match makers. She decides to have a matcher set her up. She goes to two different agencies. It's Just Lunch, and eharmony.com. She found some luck with eharmony, but IJL was a little over priced and she didn't find a single date that she wanted to go out with twice. #4. Dating men in other cities. She travels across the nation to date men in all different cultures. From DC (her home base) To VA, to Chicago, then Denver, then New York, then LA. She met some great guys, but nothing that made her want to move to keep seeing them. And, finally #5. A dating Coach. Now, this seemed like it had the most impact. Not because she suddenly met the man of her dreams, but the coach got her out of her usual dating routine. And, gave some sound advice about chemistry. Now, she had spent the 9 months looking for off the charts chemistry with a man. Now, the coach told her that off the charts chemistry never works out....and for the this reason. That means he's a "bad boy". Which, I have found to be true. Something that just makes it exciting and enjoyable, and an adrenaline rush. But, they are never good for you. Anyway, the whole reason for this updated deal is this.....She also discussed every one of her dates. And, my favorite part of them was the naming process. So, now instead of giving them all and alias I'm giving them nick names. She had El Rico, The Sneezer, The Pilot (I've had a few of those), Frisbeeguy, etc. So, I'll now be making names up according the main trait of the date. Such, as Mr. Hands Mcgee, Spoon Me, Long Jean, and more to come!

The Reappearance of Chase

So, a few years back Chase and I dated a bit. He's an outdoors guy like I am. We have no lack of things in common. Round I ended because of some minor things, he claims misunderstandings. I'll leave my opinion out of this post. Anyway, I'd been thinking about him recently wondering whatever happened to him. Then one day I came across his number in an old phone. I shot a very non committal text saying I hope he was well and that life had treated him well. Well, he immediately responded and the flood gates of communication were broken. He's well. Actually, better health than ever before. He's been cured of a terminal disease and has a new take on life. Awesome! Anyway, we went out and once we got past the bitterness of life not going totally where he thought it would have been, we had a good time together. We played some very unstellar and uncoordinated tennis. Neither of us a proficient at all with a racquet. But, I can't get enough volley rally these days so it was fun. Then we went to dinner. Chase has always been very complimentary and kind. Always chivalrous anytime we have spent time together. If only we could get past this bitterness stage....and maybe a little quicker on the uptake of my jokes. I know I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am. But, I think I'm pretty funny and I appreciate a good actor who can make me believe they think I'm funny as well. Over all I'd rate this date a 6.3. Actually, if I was basing this on this date alone and not our past acquaintance I'd probably give it a 3. But, I know he can do better than this so I'll rate it above average and chalk it up to him having an off night. Just remember Chase, you're a cool cat, Let go of the bitterness and ubercynical attitude (I know, odd coming from me). There probably will be a repeat of Chase.

Nate, the replay

So, I decided to go on another date with Nate. To better explain this situation I need to inform my reader about a movie that has had a lot of impact on the way I look at things of the heart: Just Friends. Ryan Reynolds is a hilarious music producer that overcame a miserable and embarrassing high school experience. As he graduates, moves away, loses 100 lbs, and creates a successful, star studded life. He goes back to his home town and refalls in love with his high school dream girl. One thing he taught me was that a lunch date is the stuff of friends. No matter how into them you may be, if they offer you lunch as a date option then you are on the fast track to "Just Friends." There is no coming back from that spot. Unless, you're Ryan Reynolds, have an adorable retainer smile, a private jet, and a 12 pack. Well, Nate, you've reached the "Just Friends" area. After our second date you still insisted on acting like we were a couple. You insisted on cuddling as we walked through a store...even though I maintained my stiff as a board posture and hands conveniently occupied. Now, I'm all about the hand holding and whatever...if I'm in a committed relationship. Now, you're over anxiousness to be a couple has solidified my resolve to keep you in the Friend Zone. Nate, you're a sweet guy. You're kind, attentive, and fun. However , you played your cards way too easily and we were obviously playing a different game. I think reading your date a little better would definitely help you in the future. Nate, I look forward to having lunch with you :)